The latest news from the halls of power confirms what many of us have long suspected: the Prime Minister’s office is less a well-oiled machine and more a Rube Goldberg contraption of indecision. Sir Keir Starmer, after a summer of what can only be described as a public relations ‘tour’ of confusion, has decided the best course of action is to re-arrange the deckchairs on the good ship Labour. A new “Mr. Fixit” has been appointed, a man with the glorious title of “chief secretary to the prime minister,” to oversee “delivery, delivery, delivery.” This is, of course, a new and exciting phase of government, distinct from the previous “strategy, strategy, strategy” phase, which was itself a bold departure from the “not-getting-elected, not-getting-elected, not-getting-elected” phase. The constant reshuffling of the top team suggests a government not in control, but in a frantic search for a working key, while the door is already wide open.
This latest move to bring in a “fiscal hawk” to a government that has, on more than one occasion, U-turned on its own fiscal plans, is a truly magnificent display of ideological coherence. The appointment has, naturally, already been described as a “recipe for conflict,” which, for a government that has already seen its own MPs rebel over welfare cuts and its leader accidentally praise his deputy as a “prime minister,” seems to be less of a risk and more of a mission statement. It’s all part of the grand plan to show a “relentless focus on delivery,” a strategy so laser-focused it involves appointing someone who will likely be at war with every other minister. One can only imagine the conversations: “I’ve come up with a brilliant new policy, Prime Minister!” “Yes, but what does the Chief Secretary to the Prime Minister think? I’ve forgotten his name, but I’m sure he has a spreadsheet about it.”
So, as Parliament returns, the nation can rest assured that the government is now firmly in a phase of “delivery.” What exactly is being delivered? Well, it’s hard to say. The latest pledges include “fixing the asylum hotel system” (a pledge that seems to have been made and unmade more times than a poorly made bed) and making sure we get a good deal on warships from Norway. It’s a truly inspiring vision for the country: a government that’s as solid as a bowl of jelly and as predictable as the English weather. But fear not, for the “Mr. Fixit” has arrived. He will surely sort it all out, right after he figures out where the filing cabinet went during the latest reshuffle.
Kierless Whispers 