In a move that has been hailed as “decisive-adjacent,” Sir Keir Starmer’s government has, after considerable deliberation, decided to consider a review of the policy that was itself a review of a previous policy. The announcement, delivered with the kind of gravitas usually reserved for a deeply personal confession, was made by an aide who reportedly held a dartboard with various policy options and a blindfold. The final decision, a “full and frank discussion on the merits of a potential future discussion,” has been widely praised for its ability to unite the party in a state of shared bewilderment. Sources close to the Prime Minister suggest this is part of a new, long-term strategy to ensure no one can ever accuse the government of having a fixed position on anything, thereby making it impossible to attack them for changing their minds.
The new approach, it seems, is less about a clear-cut mission and more about a vague, overarching feeling of “doing things.” Instead of a five-point plan, we now have a five-point feeling, which is much harder to challenge. Critics have been left scrambling, as their pre-prepared attacks on “flip-flopping” and “U-turns” are rendered obsolete by a government that never actually commits to a turn in the first place. The latest opinion polls show the public is responding well, with a significant increase in the number of people who, when asked about the government’s policy, simply shrug and say, “I suppose.” This is a level of political engagement that Downing Street is reportedly very proud of.
The opposition, meanwhile, has struggled to land a punch on this gelatinous political opponent. One senior Tory MP was overheard lamenting, “How do you criticize a man who, when asked for his position on a major issue, simply says, ‘Look, we’re all on a journey here, aren’t we?’” It’s a question that has left many scratching their heads, much like a confused cat trying to figure out which way to go. Starmer’s new brand of non-committal governance is a masterclass in risk aversion, ensuring that by never truly taking a step forward, he can never be accused of taking a step back. The only thing certain in this new political landscape is that nothing is certain, and we should all be prepared for a future of glorious, unending, policy-based ambiguity.
Kierless Whispers 