In a stunning display of political dexterity, Sir Keir Starmer has once again defied all expectations by… well, by not really doing much at all. Over the past 24 hours, the Prime Minister’s primary activity appears to have been a masterclass in the art of the carefully worded non-committal statement. Faced with rising energy costs and a plummeting approval rating, he has reportedly dispatched his ministers to deliver speeches that simultaneously defend and vaguely question the government’s own policies. It’s a bold strategy, a kind of political ” Schrodinger’s Cat” where the policy is both a success and a failure until a journalist opens the box and asks a direct question.
The latest highlight of this diplomatic dance came from Nick Thomas-Symonds, who delivered a stirring speech on the government’s plans for a food and drink deal with the EU. In a fiery address, he valiantly attacked Nigel Farage for… wanting to scrap the very agreements the government is now attempting to “reset.” It’s a glorious feedback loop of political theatre, where the government criticizes its opponents for being against a plan that is only necessary because of the fallout from a previous policy they’ve since decided to “revisit.” The whole thing feels less like a political debate and more like a game of Jenga played with a set of increasingly wobbly policies.
Meanwhile, the public waits with bated breath for a concrete solution to the ongoing small boat crisis, a situation Sir Keir promised to “smash.” While the Home Office reports that over 50,000 migrants have arrived since he took office, the Prime Minister’s latest plan is a groundbreaking “one in, one out” scheme. It’s a bold and innovative approach that, much like the famous “Return of the Sausages” gaffe, is sure to be remembered for its sheer, unbridled originality. It seems the only thing Sir Keir is truly decisive on is his commitment to appearing perpetually on the brink of a major announcement, without ever actually making one.
Kierless Whispers 