In a groundbreaking move that surprised absolutely no one, Sir Keir Starmer has once again managed to be on all sides of an issue simultaneously, a feat of political dexterity that would make a contortionist blush. The latest reports indicate that while he was busy earning praise for a “softly, softly” approach to foreign affairs and an ability to “Trump-whisper” his way to a security guarantee for Ukraine, he was also being accused of having a “less than impressive record” on foreign aid and of being an “utter disgrace” over a domestic free speech case. This unparalleled ability to be both a geopolitical wizard and a complete liability in the same 24-hour period is truly a testament to the modern art of leadership.
Meanwhile, back on the home front, the Prime Minister is facing a delightful trifecta of challenges. First, he’s being blamed for a record number of asylum claims, a statistic that conveniently overlooks the fact that the previous government’s policies were a “major development” in the matter. Second, he’s being targeted by Grangemouth workers who have launched an open letter over “broken promises” of investment. One can only assume that the letter, signed by every affected worker, is being meticulously reviewed by a special committee for its potential impact on a focus group in a marginal constituency.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, Starmer is also dealing with the fallout from the release of a woman who spent over a year behind bars for a tweet. The former human rights lawyer, now in power, is being accused of “two-tier justice” and having a “less than impressive record” on human rights—a headline that could easily double as the title of his forthcoming autobiography. All in all, it appears to have been another successful day of proving that no matter what the problem is, someone, somewhere, will find a way to blame the Prime Minister for it, a comforting constant in a chaotic world.
Kierless Whispers 