A-hem.
The front pages are ablaze with the latest asylum figures, and what a splendid bonfire they are making. It seems that the number of asylum claims has not, in fact, been reduced to a manageable trickle of one or two particularly well-behaved applicants, as was previously promised. Instead, they’ve soared to record-breaking heights. Opponents are now “trying to turn the screw” on the Prime Minister, a phrase that suggests a level of mechanical proficiency previously unassociated with modern politics. Perhaps they’re building a new kind of political pressure machine, one where the more claims are filed, the more the dial turns, and the more Sir Keir is forced to say “We’re working on it,” but with more gravitas each time.
The situation has become so delightfully chaotic that local councils, including some run by his own party, are taking matters into their own hands. A new wave of “nimbyism” has swept the nation, but with a twist: it’s not “not in my backyard,” it’s “not in my hotel.” Councils are apparently winning injunctions to stop hotels from being used to house asylum seekers, proving that when the government is perceived to be in a “migration crisis,” the most powerful legal force in the land is a town council with a vendetta against a local inn.
Meanwhile, sources close to the Prime Minister report that he is considering a new, more effective immigration policy. It involves replacing all immigration officers with a single, highly-trained, and perpetually exasperated individual whose job is to simply sigh loudly at the sight of any paperwork. This, it is believed, will not solve any of the existing problems, but will at least make the entire process so deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved that it acts as a more powerful deterrent than any existing border force.
Kierless Whispers 