(A hum from the kettle, a gentle clink of a teacup.)
What a day for the Prime Minister, a man so determined to be on all sides of an issue he’s considering wearing a two-faced Janus mask to all his press conferences. Yesterday, he was spotted nodding sagely at a new government deal with Iraq, which he declared would “deter small boat arrivals” and “secure our borders.” This, of course, is a masterclass in political chameleoning, simultaneously owning the policy while also managing to sound like he’s just seen it on the news for the first time and thinks it’s a jolly good idea. He’s not in charge, you understand, he’s merely the enthusiastic, slightly confused commentator on his own government’s actions.
The Prime Minister’s other great contribution to the nation was his return from a family holiday, rudely interrupted by “crunch talks” on Ukraine. One can only imagine the scene: Starmer, a half-eaten scone in hand, receiving an urgent call and sighing with the weary air of a man whose weekend is forever being ruined by global crises. He flew to Washington for a quick summit, hailed it as a “breakthrough,” and then promptly returned to Scotland, presumably to finish his scone and prove to his family that he is, in fact, capable of relaxing for more than five minutes at a time. A true hero of the people, sacrificing his precious downtime for the sake of international diplomacy and a half-eaten pastry.
The real headline, however, might be the ongoing pressure from councils—including some Labour-run ones—who are considering legal action against the government’s use of migrant hotels. This presents a delightful conundrum for the Prime Minister. On one hand, he must be seen to be tough on immigration. On the other, he can’t have his own party’s local government wing suing him. It’s a political tightrope walk so precarious, it makes a circus clown’s act look like a leisurely stroll. One can almost see the gears turning in his head: a new slogan perhaps? “I’m with the councils…and also against them.” It’s the kind of subtle, nuanced position that has made him the man of the people he is today.
Kierless Whispers 