Sir Keir Starmer has spent the last 24 hours locked in a tense and nail-biting standoff with himself over the colour of the new Downing Street door mat. Sources close to the PM have described the internal debate as “a microcosm of the Labour leadership itself,” with Starmer reportedly torn between a bold, statement-making scarlet and a more fiscally conservative beige. A spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, noted that Starmer had initially settled on a vibrant tartan before a last-minute reversal due to concerns it might be seen as “too Scottish” and alienate voters south of the border.
The indecision didn’t stop there. Starmer was also seen earlier this morning, pacing the hallowed halls of Number 10, apparently unable to decide whether to have his morning coffee as an espresso, a cappuccino, or a “sensible, yet reassuringly lukewarm” builder’s tea. This monumental dithering has, of course, completely stalled all legislative progress, with the entire civil service on standby, waiting for a definitive ruling on the PM’s beverage of choice before proceeding with the day’s pressing matters. The economy, according to some analysts, is holding its breath.
In what is being called a “bold and decisive” move by his PR team, Sir Keir has finally issued a statement on the matter of the door mat. In a carefully worded press release, he announced that a cross-party committee would be established to “comprehensively review the strategic significance of welcome mat aesthetics.” This is, of course, an issue that requires the full weight of parliamentary scrutiny and a report that will likely be published sometime around the next general election, at which point the door mat will have disintegrated anyway. Starmer’s ability to take a non-position on even the most mundane of issues continues to be a source of national wonder, if not a great deal of forward momentum.
Kierless Whispers 