In a stunning display of international diplomacy, Prime Minister Kier Starmer has once again proved he is the only man for the job—any job, really. Fresh off his co-chairmanship of the “Coalition of the Willing” meeting, a group whose name sounds suspiciously like a 90s rock band, Starmer is heading to Washington to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Volodymyr Zelenskyy in crucial talks with Donald Trump. It’s a bold move, positioning himself as the calm, rational bridge between the two, a sort of geopolitical parent figure calmly mediating a playground dispute.
Sources close to Downing Street report that Starmer’s strategy hinges on his “curious relationship” with Trump, which is apparently built on “shared family values.” It remains unclear which values these are, but one can only assume they involve a firm belief in the importance of a good suit and a well-practiced, slightly awkward smile. He will also, according to reports, be praising Trump’s “efforts” to end the war, a move that is said to have caused several diplomats to choke on their morning tea.
The Prime Minister’s office has stated that he will reaffirm his backing for Ukraine “as long as it takes,” a phrase that, in the context of this meeting, could mean anything from “until the ink is dry on a peace deal” to “until the White House’s catering runs out of those little cocktail sausages.” Starmer, the man who once said he deeply regrets a speech about an “island of strangers,” is now hoping to prove that he is a stranger to no one, especially not a former president with a penchant for high-stakes deal-making.
Kierless Whispers 