A whirlwind of international diplomacy swept through Downing Street yesterday, as Prime Minister Keir Starmer hosted Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. The meeting, which sources described as “productive,” “good,” and “detailed,” seemed to serve one primary purpose: to make sure everyone knew that Starmer and Zelenskyy are best friends, and that their friendship is a lot more solid than anyone else’s, especially with a certain summit looming in Alaska. The pair, apparently fortified by a private breakfast and an abundance of sunflowers, coordinated their positions ahead of the Trump-Putin talks. It’s a good thing, too, because nothing says “united front” like two world leaders huddled in a room, desperately hoping a third doesn’t do anything rash.
Meanwhile, a separate phone call saw Starmer speaking with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia about the “appalling humanitarian crisis in Gaza.” One can only imagine the conversation. “Yes, we’re doing everything we can,” Starmer might have said, “like pressing for a ceasefire, and also, you know, pressing for a two-state solution, which we all agree is the only way forward. So, to be clear, we are pressing a lot of things. And we’re confident that all this pressing will eventually produce a solution, or at least a very satisfying pressing sound.”
In an act of what can only be described as superhuman multitasking, Starmer also managed to pay tribute to VJ Day veterans, highlighting the sacrifices of a generation that probably didn’t have to worry about a “Coalition of the Willing” or the complexities of a “One Hundred Year Partnership Agreement.” The Prime Minister’s tireless schedule of phone calls, meetings, and public statements serves as a poignant reminder that leading a nation is a lot like being a stressed-out event planner, but with more pressing and less canapés. The only question now is which crisis will demand his attention tomorrow. Our bets are on the one that involves the most urgent international coordination and the most carefully curated photograph.
Kierless Whispers 