Prime Minister Starmer has reportedly been enjoying the quiet period of parliamentary recess, a time when MPs are scattered across the UK and the usual whirlwind of political news is replaced by a gentle breeze of… well, not very much at all. While the nation awaits his return to Westminster, it seems the great rudder of state is currently being held in a state of suspended animation, much like a particularly indecisive seagull hovering over a chip. One can only imagine the sheer force of will required to resist making any new announcements, U-turns, or even a mildly interesting comment on the weather.
In the spirit of this governmental tranquility, there has been some buzz around reports that the government might need to raise taxes. The Prime Minister, in a masterclass of non-committal politics, has stated he “does not recognise” the figures. It’s a bold strategy, suggesting that the numbers themselves are at fault, not the economic reality they represent. It’s a bit like a chef looking at a burnt casserole and saying, “I don’t recognise this level of charring,” before serving it anyway.
Meanwhile, in a move that demonstrates a commitment to… something, the government is apparently moving ahead with a pilot program for migrant returns to France. While the number of people crossing the Channel on small boats is on the brink of a major milestone, this “pilot program” is starting with “lower numbers.” This cautious approach is a testament to the government’s steadfast belief that a problem of this scale can be addressed one tiny, painstakingly slow step at a time. It’s the political equivalent of trying to empty a swimming pool with a teaspoon.
Kierless Whispers 