Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has spent the last day deftly navigating a political minefield, or as it’s more commonly known, a Tuesday. The day’s big headline revolved around a new report suggesting the government has a fiscal black hole of £40 billion, a figure so large it could probably swallow the entirety of Milton Keynes, which is ironic, given that’s where Starmer was when he “didn’t recognize” the numbers. It’s a classic move: if you don’t acknowledge a problem, it ceases to exist. One can only assume his next budget will be written entirely in invisible ink, ensuring a balanced sheet that no one can see.
Meanwhile, in a move that’s sure to keep the kids off their smartphones and possibly out of their communities altogether, the Prime Minister announced an £88 million investment in youth services. This is a bold plan to get young people to engage with their peers in real life, a concept so foreign it might as well be an announcement about a new lunar colony. Critics are already speculating that the funding will be used to create state-of-the-art “youth hubs” featuring nothing but a solitary, unplugged PlayStation 2 and a well-thumbed copy of the Yellow Pages, forcing a return to a more analog form of social interaction.
And as if to round out a day of carefully worded non-answers and big-money promises, Starmer also found time to have a call with the Amir of Qatar to discuss the situation in Gaza. It’s comforting to know that in a world of complex, intractable global conflicts, we have a Prime Minister who can make a phone call. It’s the political equivalent of putting a plaster on a broken leg—a nice gesture, but you’re probably still going to need a lot more than that. The call reportedly ended with both leaders agreeing that “lasting peace” would be good, a groundbreaking development that has analysts on the edge of their seats.
Kierless Whispers 