In a stunning display of political acrobatics, Sir Keir Starmer has once again masterfully avoided making a definitive statement, this time on the thorny issue of tax rises. When confronted with a report suggesting the need for “substantial tax rises” in the autumn budget, the Prime Minister performed a breathtaking verbal maneuver, declaring he “does not recognise” the figures. This isn’t a denial, you understand. It’s more of a philosophical query, an existential pondering on the nature of numbers themselves. He seems to be suggesting that these figures, much like the boats he’s trying to stop, are not figures he can personally verify, and therefore, they may or may not exist in this particular dimension of reality.
The Prime Minister’s unique approach to problem-solving was also on full display regarding the UK-France migrant deal. While his Home Secretary enthusiastically declared that detentions would begin “in a matter of days,” there was also widespread confusion about potential loopholes in the “one in, one out” pilot scheme. It’s a classic Starmerian approach: announce a bold, groundbreaking principle, and then immediately introduce a level of ambiguity so thick you could use it to stop a small boat. The program will start with “lower numbers” and then “build up,” which is a perfectly logical way to run a pilot scheme, assuming the “groundbreaking principle” isn’t a typo for “groundbreaking political tightrope act.”
On a slightly less confusing note, the Prime Minister was also said to be on a conference call with Donald Trump after a meeting between the former US president’s envoy and Vladimir Putin. The details of this call, naturally, are as elusive as a coherent Starmer policy position. One can only imagine the conversation: Starmer, trying to explain the finer points of not recognizing figures, while Trump, perhaps, offers some “great, beautiful” advice on how to build a wall of plausible deniability around your tax policy. It seems the international stage, much like the domestic one, is simply another platform for Sir Keir to showcase his unparalleled ability to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Kierless Whispers 